How We Cope: Attachment Styles in Intimate Relationships
Attachment Theory Tenant #8 – Attachment Styles
There are a finite number of ways that we as humans cope with the unresponsiveness of an attachment figure. There are only so many ways of coping with a negative response to the question “Can I depend on you when I need you?” These coping responses seem to be organized along two dimensions: anxiety and avoidance.
When the connection with an irreplaceable attachment figure is threatened, the attachment system becomes activated.
With an anxiously attached style, one will tend to seek and pursue that connection in a variety of ways. Our attachment system goes into overdrive, and our attachment behaviors become heightened and intense. It may involve anxious clinging, pursuit, and even aggressive attempts to control to get the desired response. Most attempts to blame, criticize, or to employ emotionally loaded demands are efforts to resolve attachment hurts and fears.
With an avoidantly attached style, one does the opposite with one’s attachment system. One tries to shut it down and disconnect from the emotions—detach. This style develops when one repeatedly experiences no one being available to receive and regulate one’s emotions. Ways of shutting down the attachment system include obsessive thinking (as opposed to feeling) about situations and how to “solve” them, focusing on tasks, and many forms of addictive or numbing behaviors—all ways of minimizing emotional needs. With this strategy, one avoids, or limits, attempts to reach for emotional support. In the extreme, this person may become unaware that they have emotional needs at all.
When in our formative years these two responses occur repeatedly, a habit can form in how we engage with intimate others. We call this habitual coping strategy our attachment style.
Angry criticism with an intimate other is typically an attempt to change one’s attachment person so that they will become responsive. It is a protest response to isolation or perceived abandonment. It can be seen as an attempt to restore or ward off threats to a good emotional connection.
In contrast, a distancing response by someone with an avoidant attachment style is an attempt to avoid unpleasant emotional interaction and fears of rejection, or to avoid confirmation of the unlovable nature of the self. It can be seen as an attempt to protect and preserve a sense of peace and calm in the relationship that emotions seem to threaten.
A third attachment style has been identified that is a combination of the two. It is called “fearful-avoidant” in adults and “disorganized” in children. It involves seeking closeness and then fearfully avoiding it once it is offered. This style originates in chaotic and traumatic attachments, where the person who was the source of comfort and security was also the source of distress. This occurs in a small percentage of the population.
In intimate relationships, these attachment styles can interact with the attachment strategy of the partner and set up self-reinforcing interpersonal patterns that can be very distressing and exacerbate the need to implement one’s strategy. This furthers the cycle and escalates it. The result is increased isolation and distress.
Understanding your attachment style—and that of your partner—can bring clarity and compassion to even the most painful relationship dynamics. These patterns are not signs of weakness or failure, but deeply ingrained survival strategies shaped by our earliest emotional experiences. As a counselor, my goal is to help couples recognize these patterns, foster emotional safety, and create new ways of connecting that are grounded in trust and responsiveness. With awareness and intention, healing becomes possible, and relationships can transform into secure, supportive bonds where both partners feel seen, valued, and emotionally safe.
