The Process of Separation Distress is Predictable
Attachment Theory Tenet #7
In our most important relationships, the need for emotional connection is not a luxury—it’s a biological necessity. Attachment theory helps us understand the invisible patterns that guide how we connect, disconnect, and try to reconnect with those we love. One critical concept within this framework is the predictability of separation distress. When our emotional bids for connection are met with silence, criticism, or withdrawal, a well-worn pattern of distress tends to emerge. This blog explores Attachment Theory Tenet #7, revealing how these cycles unfold and why understanding them is key to breaking free from conflict and reestablishing emotional safety.
If our reaches to an attachment figure fail to achieve the comfort that we are seeking, a process of distress will occur. This process involves angry protest, clinging, despair and depression. This is saying that if we cannot achieve emotional co-regulation with an important attachment figure, the negative cycle will come alive. This cycle is a destructive cycle which ultimately results in detachment.
This tells us that underneath, the negative cycle that couples experience is a desire for connection and comfort and the soothing of emotions, but unfortunately this negative cycle leads to the opposite of what we desire. The flip side was nicely expressed by Sue Johnson, “Emotional disconnection is the virus – conflict is just the inflammation.” When our reach for connection is blocked, the “inflammation” occurs as we protest.
The most common negative cycle that we see is couples in the pursue-withdraw cycle. In this cycle, the partner whose bid for connection fails and then protests the failure with anger. Their anger is an anger of hope that is trying to “right the ship.” Often by telling their partner with anger that they need to do things differently. The function of the anger is to drive towards restoring the attachment – namely getting my partner to be emotionally accessible to me and respond to me in an emotionally engaged way.
But in this cycle, the partner typically takes this move as a harsh criticism of who they are and how they are showing up in the relationship. This can easily touch feelings of unworthiness, and these feelings are so awful that the partner will most often try to shut down their emotions. They often also take the angry attack as foreshadowing of an angry argument that will result in a rupture of the relationship and more pain. So, they withdraw and emotionally shut down to protect the relationship from this painful rupture and protect themselves from feeling this pain.
Unfortunately, this withdrawal has a negative effect on their partner. It signals emotional unavailability – the opposite of an emotionally engaged response – and this puts their partner into further distress which further drives them to protest as they seek to reverse this unwanted result. But the protest continues typically in the same vein as the initial protest – with anger and blame – and further drives their partner into withdrawal.
It is a self-sustaining feedback loop that becomes ruled by the Amygdala – that primitive part of our brains which is programmed to respond to danger with a fight, flight or freeze response. This typical cycle has the fight response interacting with a flight response and the two drive each other to greater levels of danger. Once the amygdala is in charge, the argument will continue to escalate, and it becomes extremely difficult to stop it or make a new move that calms it down. This is because the amygdala makes the thinking part of our brain – the prefrontal cortex – to become very fuzzy, essentially shutting down our ability to think.
So, it can easily be seen how this results in despair and depression because the very thing being sought after is becoming more and more inaccessible. The more this cycle shows up, the greater the despair and hopelessness the couple feels. This in turn makes the relationship more unsafe and the necessary moves – i.e. vulnerability – for healthy emotional co-regulation become harder and harder to do because it becomes so scary to be vulnerable. The more a couple lives in the distressed negative cycle, the harder it will be to be able to move into the positive loop of emotional coregulation.
Understanding that the negative cycle is not rooted in malice, but in a desperate yearning for connection, offers couples a powerful reframe. Rather than seeing each other as enemies in conflict, they can begin to recognize themselves as partners caught in a pattern of pain. When couples become aware of this predictable sequence and the emotional needs underlying their behaviors, they can start to shift from reactivity to responsiveness. With support and intentional effort, the cycle of separation distress can be softened and replaced by a new cycle—one of emotional co-regulation, healing, and deeper connection.
Contact me if you would like to learn more about couples therapy and begin to break the cycle that causes separation distress.
